How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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