My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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