Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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