And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
