just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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