My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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