Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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