The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
