T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
