watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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