im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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