i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
They took my balls.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
