You're so nebulous sometimes
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
