you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
