I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
