My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
