If you die in college, do you die in real life?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
