i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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