I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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