i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
