We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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