T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
