The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
third nipple confirmed
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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