No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
