I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
My vagina is officially offended.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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