Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
