i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
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