you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
