so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
