I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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