uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
