my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
