i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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