It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Randomize
