Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
