Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm just crazy horny about you
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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