so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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