yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
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