im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.