man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
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I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
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But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
My dad just said "fuck circus"