the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
