Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
