Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
