Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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