The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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