she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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