You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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