now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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