our cab driver is having phone sex.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
27 Of The Most NSFW Life Hacks
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
23 Disturbing Small-Town Horror Stories
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.