woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
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Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
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There's a naked man in my car right now.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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