All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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