while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
