I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
