I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
