Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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