fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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