maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
